The Trip To Tutcher

It was an epic kinda "Lord Of The Rings" three part sage sort of thing, know what im saying. Less danger and more stupidity was involved in this what can only be described as a cock-up of sky-scraping proportion's.

I have just left Exeter from seeing my girlfriend Katie-Jane, next step was on the train to Dorchester. So it turns out that i was so taken by what i wasn't doing that i actually forgot to focus on what i should be doing. I should have been getting off at the right stop. But after the nice fake lady on the sound system started to vocal places I've never even heard of, well i got worried.

I rushed down the carriages dodging prams, suitcases laptop's and sexually frustrated businessmen. I found Mike, the train operator, he told me to get off at Newbury. This now made my journey and hour longer than i wanted. Next stop Newbury.......yay???

Newbury instantly reminded me of the town from Shaun of the Dead, just local people who despise outsiders, politics and putting their train station anywhere near the main town, kinda like red-necks, i walked 2 miles to get to a dodgy Chinese shop for badly cooked chips. I continued my walk back to the station still with a heavy holdall on my back and a half hour wait to get to Dorchester.

Newbury has one nice thing about it, a super pretty lake which at night looks like it carry's on for miles, apart from that, not much else.

After my train journey to Dorchester i arrived at the station, when i got of the train there was nothing running to Bournemouth, i quickly spotted a local and asked "How do i get to bournemouth"? He replied to me and said "Dorchester has two stations, go to the other one across town". My first thought was "fuck off Dorchester has two station's". I glanced at my watch, bugger me, 11 o'clock already, i better trust his directions, off i ran across town over a playing field like the man said and i then saw it, in all its flickering street light lit beauty, my haven to bournemouth, on i ran, nearly getting hit by a taxi or two parked outside, the main entrance wasn't open, round the side i go, i get in its 11:09, my train left at 11:07, "shit" i said to myself through panting breathes, i look at the timetable, no more trains until 4 in the morning.

Do I get a hotel? Do I sleep at the station? Or is it worth asking the taxi man that nearly took my life how much a taxi is? I ring Katie the "Holy Grail" of all that is sensible. She says get a taxi, A man asks if I'm alright, he's a taxi driver, as English as they come, His names Luke and tells me its a long way, and they don't really drive that far, "how much?" i ask, he radio's his boss, £50 the crackling handset confirms, "ill pay it" he drives me to a cash point and we talk. He deserves for me to hear about him just for getting me to Olly's safe, he turns out to be a music producer and we talk for the whole journey about a whole host of things we have in common, after driving around for a while i get to Olly's, nightmare over and a killer day, all on the trip to Tutcher

The Bus

Most days to get me to work i gotta catch one of them bus contraptions. Did you know that the double decker bus took inspiration from a car crash that left the involved cars one on top of another, as if one car was trying to mount the other and make baby cars, or go-kart's as they are more commonly know, (True story).

Anyways, although just a bus it may be, inside, oh inside there are so many diferent story's that can be told, but ill just tell you what my favorite part of the bus journey is and about a few regulars that get on it.

1.) The Funny Bit

Arguabley the most brilliant thing about a bus journey is when those sneaky old people are getting a free bus journey with their little gay cards that they all have, and i sit there envious as they get a free ride and im spending a good £2.90 that could go towards a sweet hazelnut hot choclate from starbucks, i just remember that i have something old people don't. What is it i hear you say? A un-wrinkled body? The abilty to drive over 30mph, no I have......... reactions.

First of all, they make the mistake of looking at my hair and realising it's got more voloume than their television set, which stooopidly waste's time, than they do the walk, the real slow walk to their seat and just as they make that painfully long half turn to sit down, VRRROOOOOOOMMM, off the driver goes and they are hurled into their seat faster than you could say "Flat caps ain't cool no more". I don't laugh out loud though, i save it, i let it marinate if you like into a sneaky chuckle which comes out when I get off.

The Family

Let me just mention i catch the bus at 10:29 most mornings and so i see these 3 and half peeps at around 10:45 at Loudwater. One greasy long haired crack head with some ridiculas looking beard which can only be described as some form of contraception, he's disgusting. Next is another man, just as greasy but a bit prettier, the mum a slightly frumpy 35 yeard old women, all of which are white, and their real cute friend a tiny half cast toddler with huge cheeky glasses, who i only sympathise for because bott the men she is with are currently drinking can after can of frosty jack's cider and as for the mother, well she aint got a scooby how to look after the little one.

The Best part however is when they get off at the rye the two intoxicated men forever battle with the fold out buggy like blokes from a carry on film with a deckchair at blackpool. And as the mum desperatly sigh's she opens up the babys bag, and thats when you worry as the bag is one third diapers and dummys, and the other side is just cider and whisky, poor thing, if you see them, you'll understand

The Repeat Button

This one is about my mother who has just given me sudden inspirtaion for this blog.

The thing about my mother is she has OCD but she doesn't really. Like don't get me wrong i love my mum, and the love you have for a mother i find is like, oh i don't know, Herpes! It just will never really go away, and you say you dont have herpes but you do really, and like love for your dear old gal, you say you don't but you does.

Everyday she on average ask's me the same question i think maybe 4 times, i just can't understand how hard it is to remember a awnser, its difficult. She needs a switch or a button to make it stop. On the other hand when i was in lanzerote last year a drunk electricitian from Barnsley reminded me that your mother would give you anything she could, including a hard time. If you want something i hope you get it of your mum, because im not gonna say im not, im spolied, and you know what, my mum still makes me packed lunches for work and put's a little plastic mug with ready made coffe sachets and pots of milk so i can have a coffe on my work break.

So you know what here's to mum's, and if my mum cant remember stuff like awnsers to her questions than at least she wont remember that tenner i borrowed of her yesterday!

The Detective

Why not call me P.C Josh i hear the crowds in my dreams cry, HA! Well this short read is all about how i should be wearing a hi viz jacket and telling chavs, "gents could you move along please and not tag that phone box or dump the burnt matress in their garden".

Really.... im a copper at heart, always telling people to be safe and all this. Its just my dealings with the plod have gone on a steady rise recently what with going to court to give eveidence, picking out a robbers face on a identity parade (now done on a t.v, not so UBER) and having boats set on fire and getting some aggresive negotiations from P.C big knob at Marlow Regatta.

Its not that i mind, but this is all somewhere im sure creating me more and more enmies, and plus the fact they make me give statements on my birthday eve.

I suppose i don't have to do anything for them its just, well it is rather exciting.

The Man From Cookham

This certain blog would be about a man who's position in one's heart is ever changing. With him i secretly don't know as much as i could, he loves pills, cricket and Liverpool Football club.

When sober and one on one with him you cant help but admire his upbeat personality, brilliant, a joy to be with, but stick 4 shots and 3 snakebites in him and he belongs to the first person to pay for his taxi or watch over as yesterdays dinner becomes tonight's pavement pizza.

When I first found him, brought along by Tom Kempster on a chilly autumn's morning on sappers field for football training three or four years ago he was a genius on the football pitch, he had dreams of being the first Asian man in the england football team.

Beating me to the tackle to stick in the goal with no net held up bye old metal caked in rust and moss.

These days though, he still loves football and cricket but more so other indulgences that life has to offer, and you know when you just watch and laugh, but secretly worry, yea that whole thing, umm yea.

:D

The Smoke On The Water

This mahem all occured when i was hunting round reading festival ironically looking for attractions that were on fire (tents and tarpoolings). Im talking about the night my boat called "Road legal" was cut away from its moorings and lit up like birthday cake with a canopy and ratty engine.

This was no acciedent, was it buffalo, set on fire by no less than some great people who clearly have mums in their early twentys and 4 or mores ASBOS and as for G.C.S.E's. they proberly cant even spell G.C.S.E

Turns out i was one of the last to know, Olly the guitarist of my band and best friend and his lovely lady friends Kate and Joanne heard it on the radio, insane, it was in local papers, like the Bucks Free Press and Maidenhead advertiser.

Amazingly that night another six boats were let go! And a concrete bench uprooted and thrown in the river! and to top of this incedible night of carnage they had the minerals to go into someone's drive take a car of the handbrake and send that to a watery grave aswell.

So gone are the days of trips to subway in marlow and Henly regatta, sleepovers and genral trips to swim at cookham weir. Yes the boat that once cost me two thousands pounds (The money that i gained from the death of a family friend) is now in my back garden in 6 pieces, the only bit i recognise is the name painted on the back used with a suspect template made by my dearest father Paul.

So heres to you Road legal and the fire fighters that put out my own little smoke on the water before it hurt anyone. Sorry i wasn't there to go down with the ship

:D

The Job

So here i am in my first week of being The shoe manager at topman, to clarify i work for a company called lyollds shoes, its v. confusing!

My boss said he's very impressed with my knowledge of best sellers and all that milarky!

Im fitting into it rather well, I have my own stockroom which im constantly organising. However im sure my enthusiasm for the job will come to an end if one more person says "thats not good enough, i must have it in black"