Most days to get me to work i gotta catch one of them bus contraptions. Did you know that the double decker bus took inspiration from a car crash that left the involved cars one on top of another, as if one car was trying to mount the other and make baby cars, or go-kart's as they are more commonly know, (True story).
Anyways, although just a bus it may be, inside, oh inside there are so many diferent story's that can be told, but ill just tell you what my favorite part of the bus journey is and about a few regulars that get on it.
1.) The Funny Bit
Arguabley the most brilliant thing about a bus journey is when those sneaky old people are getting a free bus journey with their little gay cards that they all have, and i sit there envious as they get a free ride and im spending a good £2.90 that could go towards a sweet hazelnut hot choclate from starbucks, i just remember that i have something old people don't. What is it i hear you say? A un-wrinkled body? The abilty to drive over 30mph, no I have......... reactions.
First of all, they make the mistake of looking at my hair and realising it's got more voloume than their television set, which stooopidly waste's time, than they do the walk, the real slow walk to their seat and just as they make that painfully long half turn to sit down, VRRROOOOOOOMMM, off the driver goes and they are hurled into their seat faster than you could say "Flat caps ain't cool no more". I don't laugh out loud though, i save it, i let it marinate if you like into a sneaky chuckle which comes out when I get off.
The Family
Let me just mention i catch the bus at 10:29 most mornings and so i see these 3 and half peeps at around 10:45 at Loudwater. One greasy long haired crack head with some ridiculas looking beard which can only be described as some form of contraception, he's disgusting. Next is another man, just as greasy but a bit prettier, the mum a slightly frumpy 35 yeard old women, all of which are white, and their real cute friend a tiny half cast toddler with huge cheeky glasses, who i only sympathise for because bott the men she is with are currently drinking can after can of frosty jack's cider and as for the mother, well she aint got a scooby how to look after the little one.
The Best part however is when they get off at the rye the two intoxicated men forever battle with the fold out buggy like blokes from a carry on film with a deckchair at blackpool. And as the mum desperatly sigh's she opens up the babys bag, and thats when you worry as the bag is one third diapers and dummys, and the other side is just cider and whisky, poor thing, if you see them, you'll understand
Sunday 23 November 2008
Tuesday 14 October 2008
The Repeat Button
This one is about my mother who has just given me sudden inspirtaion for this blog.
The thing about my mother is she has OCD but she doesn't really. Like don't get me wrong i love my mum, and the love you have for a mother i find is like, oh i don't know, Herpes! It just will never really go away, and you say you dont have herpes but you do really, and like love for your dear old gal, you say you don't but you does.
Everyday she on average ask's me the same question i think maybe 4 times, i just can't understand how hard it is to remember a awnser, its difficult. She needs a switch or a button to make it stop. On the other hand when i was in lanzerote last year a drunk electricitian from Barnsley reminded me that your mother would give you anything she could, including a hard time. If you want something i hope you get it of your mum, because im not gonna say im not, im spolied, and you know what, my mum still makes me packed lunches for work and put's a little plastic mug with ready made coffe sachets and pots of milk so i can have a coffe on my work break.
So you know what here's to mum's, and if my mum cant remember stuff like awnsers to her questions than at least she wont remember that tenner i borrowed of her yesterday!
The thing about my mother is she has OCD but she doesn't really. Like don't get me wrong i love my mum, and the love you have for a mother i find is like, oh i don't know, Herpes! It just will never really go away, and you say you dont have herpes but you do really, and like love for your dear old gal, you say you don't but you does.
Everyday she on average ask's me the same question i think maybe 4 times, i just can't understand how hard it is to remember a awnser, its difficult. She needs a switch or a button to make it stop. On the other hand when i was in lanzerote last year a drunk electricitian from Barnsley reminded me that your mother would give you anything she could, including a hard time. If you want something i hope you get it of your mum, because im not gonna say im not, im spolied, and you know what, my mum still makes me packed lunches for work and put's a little plastic mug with ready made coffe sachets and pots of milk so i can have a coffe on my work break.
So you know what here's to mum's, and if my mum cant remember stuff like awnsers to her questions than at least she wont remember that tenner i borrowed of her yesterday!
Wednesday 24 September 2008
The Detective
Why not call me P.C Josh i hear the crowds in my dreams cry, HA! Well this short read is all about how i should be wearing a hi viz jacket and telling chavs, "gents could you move along please and not tag that phone box or dump the burnt matress in their garden".
Really.... im a copper at heart, always telling people to be safe and all this. Its just my dealings with the plod have gone on a steady rise recently what with going to court to give eveidence, picking out a robbers face on a identity parade (now done on a t.v, not so UBER) and having boats set on fire and getting some aggresive negotiations from P.C big knob at Marlow Regatta.
Its not that i mind, but this is all somewhere im sure creating me more and more enmies, and plus the fact they make me give statements on my birthday eve.
I suppose i don't have to do anything for them its just, well it is rather exciting.
Really.... im a copper at heart, always telling people to be safe and all this. Its just my dealings with the plod have gone on a steady rise recently what with going to court to give eveidence, picking out a robbers face on a identity parade (now done on a t.v, not so UBER) and having boats set on fire and getting some aggresive negotiations from P.C big knob at Marlow Regatta.
Its not that i mind, but this is all somewhere im sure creating me more and more enmies, and plus the fact they make me give statements on my birthday eve.
I suppose i don't have to do anything for them its just, well it is rather exciting.
Monday 8 September 2008
The Man From Cookham
This certain blog would be about a man who's position in one's heart is ever changing. With him i secretly don't know as much as i could, he loves pills, cricket and Liverpool Football club.
When sober and one on one with him you cant help but admire his upbeat personality, brilliant, a joy to be with, but stick 4 shots and 3 snakebites in him and he belongs to the first person to pay for his taxi or watch over as yesterdays dinner becomes tonight's pavement pizza.
When I first found him, brought along by Tom Kempster on a chilly autumn's morning on sappers field for football training three or four years ago he was a genius on the football pitch, he had dreams of being the first Asian man in the england football team.
Beating me to the tackle to stick in the goal with no net held up bye old metal caked in rust and moss.
These days though, he still loves football and cricket but more so other indulgences that life has to offer, and you know when you just watch and laugh, but secretly worry, yea that whole thing, umm yea.
:D
Sunday 7 September 2008
The Smoke On The Water
This mahem all occured when i was hunting round reading festival ironically looking for attractions that were on fire (tents and tarpoolings). Im talking about the night my boat called "Road legal" was cut away from its moorings and lit up like birthday cake with a canopy and ratty engine.
This was no acciedent, was it buffalo, set on fire by no less than some great people who clearly have mums in their early twentys and 4 or mores ASBOS and as for G.C.S.E's. they proberly cant even spell G.C.S.E
Turns out i was one of the last to know, Olly the guitarist of my band and best friend and his lovely lady friends Kate and Joanne heard it on the radio, insane, it was in local papers, like the Bucks Free Press and Maidenhead advertiser.
Amazingly that night another six boats were let go! And a concrete bench uprooted and thrown in the river! and to top of this incedible night of carnage they had the minerals to go into someone's drive take a car of the handbrake and send that to a watery grave aswell.
So gone are the days of trips to subway in marlow and Henly regatta, sleepovers and genral trips to swim at cookham weir. Yes the boat that once cost me two thousands pounds (The money that i gained from the death of a family friend) is now in my back garden in 6 pieces, the only bit i recognise is the name painted on the back used with a suspect template made by my dearest father Paul.
So heres to you Road legal and the fire fighters that put out my own little smoke on the water before it hurt anyone. Sorry i wasn't there to go down with the ship
:D
This was no acciedent, was it buffalo, set on fire by no less than some great people who clearly have mums in their early twentys and 4 or mores ASBOS and as for G.C.S.E's. they proberly cant even spell G.C.S.E
Turns out i was one of the last to know, Olly the guitarist of my band and best friend and his lovely lady friends Kate and Joanne heard it on the radio, insane, it was in local papers, like the Bucks Free Press and Maidenhead advertiser.
Amazingly that night another six boats were let go! And a concrete bench uprooted and thrown in the river! and to top of this incedible night of carnage they had the minerals to go into someone's drive take a car of the handbrake and send that to a watery grave aswell.
So gone are the days of trips to subway in marlow and Henly regatta, sleepovers and genral trips to swim at cookham weir. Yes the boat that once cost me two thousands pounds (The money that i gained from the death of a family friend) is now in my back garden in 6 pieces, the only bit i recognise is the name painted on the back used with a suspect template made by my dearest father Paul.
So heres to you Road legal and the fire fighters that put out my own little smoke on the water before it hurt anyone. Sorry i wasn't there to go down with the ship
:D
The Job
So here i am in my first week of being The shoe manager at topman, to clarify i work for a company called lyollds shoes, its v. confusing!
My boss said he's very impressed with my knowledge of best sellers and all that milarky!
Im fitting into it rather well, I have my own stockroom which im constantly organising. However im sure my enthusiasm for the job will come to an end if one more person says "thats not good enough, i must have it in black"
My boss said he's very impressed with my knowledge of best sellers and all that milarky!
Im fitting into it rather well, I have my own stockroom which im constantly organising. However im sure my enthusiasm for the job will come to an end if one more person says "thats not good enough, i must have it in black"
The Princess Has Left The Castle
It will be one week tomorro since Katie Jane Mabey left me for Devon, well Exeter.
She now lives in a place called Newton Abbot? More or less butt fuck nowhere.
Its my first sunday in a long time without her famous sunday roast's (famous in my eyes), and my cousin Ashley's and im pretty much feeling like a poor starving third world kid who cant afford scissors so let it grew.
Me and kieran shared cheesy chips at the bounty but i feel like im eating less to make a statement about how much i miss her. And since i made the switch from topshop to topman (topshop where i was the only boy) i feel like all the importan ladys in my life are to far away to look after me. Granted Topshop is only down downstairs but im a busy man.
Who have i got left, my sister had a healthy (massive and hairy) baby boy called taylor, and no its not called Taylor Taylor, shes married, Taylor Grant Atwell! But shes in Windsor now in her 3/4 of a million dream house, her and hubby Grant now seem to be Bucks' Posh and becks, but its more like Whine and tyres, only my family would get that joke.
My mum is a helper at my old school now so shes got 400 other kids all with more ADD than you can shake a kane at to worry about.
I suppose all that leaves is old faithful, my dog lily, but shes more grumpy than a fat girl in a salad bar.
She now lives in a place called Newton Abbot? More or less butt fuck nowhere.
Its my first sunday in a long time without her famous sunday roast's (famous in my eyes), and my cousin Ashley's and im pretty much feeling like a poor starving third world kid who cant afford scissors so let it grew.
Me and kieran shared cheesy chips at the bounty but i feel like im eating less to make a statement about how much i miss her. And since i made the switch from topshop to topman (topshop where i was the only boy) i feel like all the importan ladys in my life are to far away to look after me. Granted Topshop is only down downstairs but im a busy man.
Who have i got left, my sister had a healthy (massive and hairy) baby boy called taylor, and no its not called Taylor Taylor, shes married, Taylor Grant Atwell! But shes in Windsor now in her 3/4 of a million dream house, her and hubby Grant now seem to be Bucks' Posh and becks, but its more like Whine and tyres, only my family would get that joke.
My mum is a helper at my old school now so shes got 400 other kids all with more ADD than you can shake a kane at to worry about.
I suppose all that leaves is old faithful, my dog lily, but shes more grumpy than a fat girl in a salad bar.
The Band
Gosh, how do succesful bands do it? How do they just churn out songs to put on albums, granted when some bands do this they can sometimes make the mistake of blessing our ears with a right boring album, which leaves us questioning why we spent eleven pounds on twelve or thirteen three minute mashes of crap.
My name is Josh, welcome to one's blog. Im in a band called the claytons, were no Mcfly or Blink 182 but we like to think we could make it. Our biggest problem would be that we take ages to write songs, but werre getting better. www.myspace.com/wearetheclaytons, sorry about that web address, it fell off my keyboard and on to your retina's.
It all started about two and half years ago when we had never heard or skinny jeans or "staying in time" and girls were the untouchable, and if we were to touch them it would have been swiftly followed by a cry of something that begins with "r" and ends in "ape"
We had songs that had no meaning, the lyrics were just early teenage ramblings. Now we write about winter, chavs, being lost in your own mind and a man who looked like brian May in our local who conversation with was made up of 60% drunk and 40% tourettes.
At least people around here are getting to know us. "Hey its that band that does that cover and mixes wiley and kanye west".
"Yes that is us, how are you?"
My name is Josh, welcome to one's blog. Im in a band called the claytons, were no Mcfly or Blink 182 but we like to think we could make it. Our biggest problem would be that we take ages to write songs, but werre getting better. www.myspace.com/wearetheclaytons, sorry about that web address, it fell off my keyboard and on to your retina's.
It all started about two and half years ago when we had never heard or skinny jeans or "staying in time" and girls were the untouchable, and if we were to touch them it would have been swiftly followed by a cry of something that begins with "r" and ends in "ape"
We had songs that had no meaning, the lyrics were just early teenage ramblings. Now we write about winter, chavs, being lost in your own mind and a man who looked like brian May in our local who conversation with was made up of 60% drunk and 40% tourettes.
At least people around here are getting to know us. "Hey its that band that does that cover and mixes wiley and kanye west".
"Yes that is us, how are you?"
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